Friday, November 27, 2009

Nothing actually

I have been quite preoccupied of late. Not because of work but my own personal life. Well, don't put your brains at work. Let me clarify that it is not my love life or anything of that sort. Its just I, me and myself, thats facing the stupid idiot wrath of my own anger. I sit and wonder why are relationships so important in our lives? Why cant human beings live in isolation? Alone. Away from the world and away from its complexities. Why? Why? Why? I feel like screaming till I get an answer. But all I can do is cry and feel helpless. Tears flow down my cheeks while I write this. I am feeling too helpless. I have no clue about whats happening in and around me. I cant help but wonder, why do people have to expect so much from any relationship. Mother and father, brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts, cousins and ofcourse friends. And all those like me, who are single, atleast do not have to face the ongoing expectations of a partner. Thank god for that. Why can't people live their lives happily. There is one thing that I really admire about the western culture. They give time and space to people who need it the most. Frankly, I am not one of those who demands time and space of my own. Never. Infact I hate this to such extent that all those who ask me for space for themselves get nothing but bitterness from me. However, somewhere deep inside I know that a little time on our own wouldn't hurt anybody. I want to relax. I want to live life on my own. Without anybody expecting anything.

I dont want to say this, but I have this feeling that I am being crushed from all sides by mammoth sized expectations. Everyone around me expects me to behave the way they would like to. And if I dont do even one thing out of all the things expected out of me, then it feels that I have made a blunder. I have a terrible headache right now. I want to turn off my laptop, take the blanket and put in on my head and go to sleep. But that doesn't always happen. When you really want to sleep then the wretched thing takes hours to come and leaves you all the more depressed. Thats the reason why I started writing even though I have nothing much to say tonight. Well actually, I have a lot to say. I really want to take it out of me. Its just getting bottled up inside and I am afraid that it may burst out someday.

I am sick of playing the goody two shoes. I feel sick inside. I want to do what makes me happy. for once. Just once. It should be just me. But thats not going to happen. People around me wont let that happen. It is too much to take. I have to strike a balance between everything. On the contrary, it is getting on my nerves now. I really want to run away. Away from this turmoil. Away from the world. To a place where I see nobody.


Nipun said...

Let me handle it!!
Worried about life and its situations?
Go and read Gandhiji's Talisman given at the beginning of every NCERT text book that we used to read.
You will surely feel better.
And yes, you can obviously put up whatever wrath you like on the blog. virtual things do not get hurt after all.
Listen to Kishore and take a sound sleep.
Let worries worry, not u.
People really write well when they are hurt.


Anonymous said...

Ahem.. this sounds much grim than I thought.. Listen.. I'm not suggesting you on "how to be fine" but trust me.. do whatever you feel like.. really.. lie in bed the whole day, take a day off, go out if you want to, order food from outside and gorge on it, just about anything .. that you feel will take you mind off what is disturbing you.

Let the things flow.. you won't find a solution to your problems until you look for it. Stop looking for any solutions.. and it'll come your way.

Life is a bitch at times ... ;-)

chanz said...

thanks guy... I badly need that support. And Nipun, you have a funny way of complementing.Hahaha. There comes a smile on my face.

And shivani, I totally totally agree with you. I wish I could do what I want to do. But its not that simple. I m not really worried about my life, but there are other's lives attached to my decisions. I dont want to take a step which makes one person happy but makes the other person sad. Coz all of them are really imp. Its like 'aage kuan, peeche khayi', if you have heard dis.

(sob sob)

Ankit said...

dost..this is life.. saali zindagi khatam ho jaati hai logon ki expectations puri karte hue.. phir bhi yadi ek baar apne mann ka kar lein.. toh larka bigar gaya hai.. apna hi karta hai.. kisi ki nahi sunta.. saari achhai ek taraf aur ek baar apne mann ka kiya hua ek taraf.. aur yadi dusre ke hisab se chalne par kaam sahi ho gaya toh kahenge "maine kaha tha naa.." aur yadi bigar gaya toh kahenge" maine aisa toh nahi kaha tha.." poor me.. isse bachne ka toh koi upaay nahi hai..but their is a tried and tested formula to neutralize this effect to much extent.. which i have been using since last 5 years.. when the things around you start to go wrong.. and not upto ur expectations.. one should not try to do anything..just be urself at the testing times.. jis taraf hawa bahe.. bah chalo.. kuch karne ki koshish nahi karni chahiye.. just stop..wait..practise patience.. observe others and do nothing.. till all the other things for one starts improving.. sorry for writing so big.. but could not resist..

buckingfastard said...

ahh...y cant we all be a loner...y cant we just shut ourselves in a dark room wid a darkness...a cup coffee and lotsa tears!!!

well point is u dunt need ppl to share ur pain....actually dey make it worse...but u need dem to giv a hug wen ur happy....2 share ur happiness!!

oRange* said...

oye, relaaax! that happens with everyone u know. dont get too pressurized okay, take it light. be alone for sometime, think of what u want to do and whats not right in your life ..cry buckets till u cant cry anymore. come out of the room until your problem is resolved and then work towards it. u know those ME times are very beneficial, trust me :)

you'll be alright! yes, standing up to everyone else's expectations sucks so bad but u cant stop them from expecting so just make yourself immune to their expectations. its YOUR life and you've got all the rights to live it the way YOU want to


and im extremely sorry for the horribly long comment :|
take care.

chanz said...

@ ankit: Dont worry about the long comment. You can always write what your heart says. You know what, sometimes itis difficult to be our own selves since people around you expect you to behave in a manner which is in sync with their expectations. In such times, I just become a silent woman. I dont open my mouth and remain silent. Sometimes people find it rude but I guess thats the best thing to do. Just do what you really would want to do..

chanz said...

@ BF: Well, I partly dont agree here. I think you need people around you to share your pain also. When you are upset, it is most difficult to be alone. When you are happy then you can still spend time alone. In your own happiness. But when we are sad, all of us want people around us to sympathize. We need people to say "ohho, yeh to bahot bura hua".. "Aisa tere saath nahi hona chahiye tha". you have to agree that such kind of sympathy boosts you up. It atleast motivates you to get up and move on. I love when there are people around me especially when I am upset. I like being the center of attraction.. :P
But yeah, I do agree that being alone solves hell lot of problems. It makes your mind open up. And that is what is needed...

@ oRange: Welcome to my blog, girl. I hate being alone. I tend to get all the more upset when I am all my myself. Just like people's expectations suck, if people do not expect then it sucks too.. And I love to cry. I cry till I can cry no more. I shut myself in my room and cried. Crying definitely makes you feel better. Ahh... I am so much better now. With you people guiding me through it. It feels great... :)

Tara said...

Well I am coming across lot of boatmen wearing the same uniform. Can we all row together to win the race ? keep going with the rhythm often it may land offkey but yet u can bring it back !! cheers ..

Chanz said...

Sure Tara. The more, the merrier.. :)

Swats said...

Hello Chanz
Welcome to my blog. I haven't gone through your blog, but can say that U too write well. Keep up the good job and enjoy as much as u possibly can in the weddings. By the way are you married? Whats your email id?

Chanz said...

U too are welcome to my blog girl.. Oh no m not married... I am just 23... There is still time...


Glad that you liked ma writing..

Hope that you keep visting..


Vaudeville of exhilaration said...

For once, even I felt like running away from people where nobody would have ne expectation frm me, but the real winner is one who faces all the ordeals courageously n moves forward..

I would say dat frm de past few days I am not followin wat I gen preach as in to feel gud abt stuffs happening around us and be happy for wat we have; as a result f which sad things are happening wid me. This shows dat everything is determined by how we feel n wat we do..If we are happy even though dere s nothing substantial in our life, more happiness wl come to us..So stay happy n get gud results..

Chanz said...

i can understand what owe go through specially at this time.. it is difficult to stay calm. And i loose ny temper very easily. So that poses a problem.. But now I am ok... :)